Yo, what do you get if you cross a fat kid with an 8-bit video game and a lollipop?
I dont know...
Youyou fat fuck! Followed by the obligatory punch to the shoulder, back or gut. Hanging out with cousin Zombie was always like sitting on a minefield and throwing stones; guaranteed something or someone was gonna explode at some point. No prizes for guessing who took the most shrapnel, though. Hell, thats how you end up with a name like Gumball. Zombie coined it, and before you knew it, everyone else was using it too. Most of the Gs dont even remember Gumballs real name. Back in the day, he used to go by a simpler one, a normal, unimaginative moniker: Fat Fuck another one of Zombies. Compared to that, Gumball was a fuckin godsend.
But loyaltys a funny thing. He gets no end of shit from his cousin, even now, but that doesnt mean everyone else gets free rein. Prime example: when Priest and those Bloodrose pricks gave him shit outside Celestial, started mouthing off at him, said he wasnt shit, that he was a fucking pussy and dared him to step up.
Then one of Priests boys starts spraying green spray-paint in his face and pushing him around& Thats a bad fucking move, specially seeing as Zombie and the rest of his crew were in the area, getting their shit straight over at Fells place. A single call from Veronika Lee, squealing down the phone with that anime schoolgirl voice of hers, and the whole block was suddenly filled with Hazard Ciscos, G-King low-riders, and muscle cars, and guess who stepping out? Talk about a beat down. Priest dont come out much these days. Hard to preach tough-talk when youve had the teeth kicked out of your face.
That was the day everything changed for Gumball. Zombie gave him big props for his part in it. Until the cavalry arrived, hed been facing them dudes down pretty much by himself. No guns, nothing. Just Shift and Veronika Lee, a couple of fat-tip markers and a skateboard. May as well have been standing in his boxers. The Gs gave him respect for that. Started to leave him be.
From then on, Gumball did all his own stomping. Thats when his joking around really kicked in. Self-confidence can make all the difference coming up. He spoke his mind to whoever the fuck he thought it about whenever he thought it. Was good at it too. Being the brunt of all the jokes for so long meant hed figured out a few of his own. Had a real taste for pissing off the Bloodroses especially.
One summer, this dude drives by New Cross one of Sujis clan peeps Gumball taking the trucks of a snapped board with some rinky-dink screwdriver. Gumballs flying his more exotic colors that day: G-King hoody, clown makeup, the works. The customization craze in full effect. Mr Bloodrose and his crew dont like clowns much too much joy involved so they pull over and start fucking with him. He tells them stop screwing around and sticks the driver through Mr Bloodroses collarbone. Ba-boom tish. But it gets better. Then he pulls the biggest fucking ACT44 youve ever seen. Pure gold. Long distance scope. Extended barrel. Not the kind of piece for your typical skater. Turns out Gumballs far from your typical skater.
What Zombies failed to mention to anyone is that this young cuz here has been buying and selling shit for years. Why, hes a bona fide entrepreneur: on marketplace fencing shit, on the streets boosting Rapiers for Grayson Fell, out on the web collecting all the best and rarest sneakers, comic books, vinyls, Sofia Vascuccis sex tapes. You name it; whatever you want, Gumball can definitely get it.
Every crew needs a fixer or two someone to hand out the really good candies, the kind they keep back for all the A-graders. Gumballs a pure fixer now. If youre ever in need of fresh gear, maybe stop by New Cross sometime, bring a brew and crack a joke with your new best friend.
Level Item Category Cost Rating 2 Blowtorch Modifications $60,000 195 3 Patriot T-25 740 Vehicles $500,000 85 4 Mobile Radar Tower Modifications $60,000 195 5 +2 Clothing Inventory Space Capacity $400,000 0 6 Flare Gun Weapons $17,500 0 7 Packer Ceresco R40 Vehicles $300,000 85 8 +1 Themes Inventory Space Capacity $200,000 0 9 +1 Outfits Capacity $999,999,999 0 10 Remote Detonator Modifications $60,000 195 11 +1 Songs Inventory Space Capacity $200,000 0 12 +2 Clothing Inventory Space Capacity $400,000 0 13 Muffler Modifications $60,000 195 14 Nulander Kurai NKA-54 Vehicles $500,000 85 15 Charge Cisco 1804 Vehicles $1,000,000 85 16 High Burn Fuel Modifications $60,000 195 17 +1 Vehicles Inventory Space Capacity $200,000 0 18 Seiyo Espacio Custom V4 Vehicles $1,000,000 85 19 Bishada Rapier Sport S4 Vehicles $1,000,000 85 20 Street Krew Lookout Vehicles $150,000 0 20 Street Krew Elbowpads Clothing $500 0 20 Street Krew Tactical Belt Clothing $500 0 20 Street Krew Spray Cans (R) Clothing $500 0 20 Street Krew Holster Pad (R) Clothing $500 0 20 Street Krew Mask Clothing $1,000 0 20 Street Krew Hoodie (Up) Clothing $1,500 0 20 Street Krew Denim Shorts Clothing $500 0 20 Street Krew Elbowpads Clothing $500 0 20 Street Krew Tactical Belt Clothing $500 0 20 Street Krew Spray Cans (R) Clothing $500 0 20 Street Krew Holster Pad (R) Clothing $500 0 20 Street Krew Mask Clothing $1,000 0 20 Street Krew Hoodie (Up) Clothing $1,500 0 20 Street Krew Combats Clothing $1,500 0
Subject Blow Me.
Hey. The names Gumball and Im the G-Kings designated loud mouthed shitehawk. I figured that Id drop you a line seeing as how youve been doing work for me. Its the neighborly thing to do innit? Think of me as your designated social worker - Im there to make sure your obvious and copious talents are being put to good use and fighting the good fight and ra ra ra~
Want the rundown on who I am or do you just want what Ive got for ya? Fuck it, of course you want what Ive got for you. Anti-social asshole like you? You probably detached the mod from this mail and skipped over everything that Ive lovingly written to you because youre ready and wanting to get back out there and continue being a psycho towards your fellow man. If you have made it this far in my ramblings then, hey, do I have a treat for you!
Ye olde blowtorche.
Its a neat little toy; equip it, point it at a vehicle and hit it to repair damage thats been done. Itll do the rest. Im guessing that whatever the hell makes this thing work isnt just oxyacetylene since you dont even need to target the shit thats been damaged.Theres probably some high tech shit in there, since its coming from Javez. Btw, if you see Javez tell him I said hi and asked him how hes doing, cottaging in that piss stained corridor of his.
That blowtorch Itll also cook a guy up in seconds if you get the drop on them and then get them lit up. Itll also probably help with your next attempt at cooking creme brulee. Or heroin. Whatever, like I give a fuck what you use it for. Just dont set fire to any of my shit, capiche?
Try not to let the door hit you on the way out. Not that I think anyone would wanna hit you. Seriously, go stop by Natsumi sometime and get that nose of yours fixed.
Lots of love,
Jane Derren. <3 xoxo
Four Seats of Hillbilly Style
You know the T-25? The four seater pickup truck? Its got kick ass acceleration, stops on a dime and can seat a family of four with room for the dog in the bed (if you want to get a dog into bed thats entirely on you, fyi) and its tough enough to take pretty much anything thrown at it? Yeah, I got a four slot of it for ya because Im good to you like that.
Im looking over my inventory here at the momnet and Im seeing a lot of things devoted to vehicles kickin around. Were pulling this stuff from different corners of the city and its neat to see some of it coming together. Play your cards right and youll get your hands on some seriously toe-to-ass goodies.
Apparently I have to start being nice to the people that are coming through here to work with me so here I am. Being nice. Im sorry that I insinuated that your nose looked rougher than Bonita after that night that left her needing to smoothie detox for a fortnight. I didnt mean anything by it. No hard feelings, eh~?
Lots of love,
ps. youre still ugly as hell and need to get your nose fixed seriously you could put someone's eye out with that thing
Radar? But I hardly knew her!
Got a new toy for your personal whip. Its a built in radar system thatll flag up bad guys on the radar for you when theyre near your vehicle. Itll make them show up on your HUD like theyve been tagged. Downside is that itll make your car start honkin because its basically just extended the anti-theft device in a radius around it (yes, vehicles in this town have anti-theft devices in them.)
Ive been getting emails that people are wanting to know more about me and, while I find that hard to believe, Ive seen a spike in my number of SPiN-SHOUT followers so Ive gotta be doing something right. Sure, its a little hollow to base yourself on the number of people that read your daily 200 character long word barf but Im kind of a shallow guy. Im Gumball and Im kind of a scumbag and Im okay with that.
Grew up in Gresty, fought my way up from the streets to this position of power. The hard living, womanizing, drinking and two fisted approach to all my problems is whats left me with the glorious, golden, Herculean physique I have these days. I shanked a guy with a screwdriver once and made a joke out of it before holding off some of this said guys goons with the screwdriver and my deck until backup arrived and apparently thats enough to take me from Zombies weird, neckbeard cousin to a fucking specialist in the G-Kings. If thats all it takes, no wonder were getting fucking overrun by politicians. Standards, people. Get some.
Take that Birth guy for example. God, hes got his head so far up his own ass he can chew yesterdays dinner all over again. Oh but my art isnt understood! Ive got too much money, Ive got too many things, Ive got too many women tryin to sit on my nuts. What a fucking crybaby.
Seriously. Is anyone here for anything more than the explosions?
Remember how last time I emailed you I called myself a scumbag? Well, I meant it. Im not interested in the politics of Gresty and Im sure as fuck not interested in the fight for the right to skate in some rundown shithole part of town. Im a product of the modern San Paro state of mind. You know, a few years ago before this whole thing kicked off, the one thing I wanted was to play Super Highway Patrol, smoke a bowl and have some pizza before falling asleep with one hand down my shorts and the other on the TV remote.
Since then Ive kind of moved up in the world and now Im here dealing Clothing Inventory Space increases out to scumbags like you. I like to think of it as lateral career progression rather than as anything to write home about.
Oh. Noticed that I called you a scumbag did you? Sharp eyes, sharp eyes, this one give the boy/girl/other a coconut. You might not have noticed that youre killing people for money in a war that doesnt seem to have any end and the people that started out as being all nonpolitical and in it for the shitkicking have become progressivly more political. The higher up the chain you go, the more you see that this is all just the same shit from both sides. Theyre a threat to our way of life, were a threat to their way of business. Theyre a threat to our ghettoised shitholes, were a threat to their nicely gentrificated (is that a word?) boroughs. We think they all look like suited shitkickers, they think we all look like punks on freebased Sapphire Blue.
Were both right, its just were both being raging assholes about it.
Youre still a scumbag but I have a feeling that youre okay with it because you enjoy the sound of gunfire in the distance, the warming glow of a Vegas thats burning to the ground, the sensation of hanging out of the side of a Bishada as it swings a huge fuckin right hand turn and you open up with your OBIR. Yeah. Youre a scumbag. Dont think too hard.
Embrace the scum. xoxo :-*
Pyrotechnics for the masses.
Ive got you a stub that should allow you to buy flareguns from your local arms dealers. Itll flag your enemies on your HUD and radar. Low damage so dont try to actually kill anyone with it - more of a support gun than a direct damage one. Wanna know where I got so many flareguns from?
Once upon a time a group called The Faceless set about San Paros financial institutions in the hope that they could make it so the top people in the city were less soul crushingly rich and that the poor people would be less face-chewingly poor. Short version: they were a disorganised mess that went nowhere and managed to actually achieve very little.
The only thing that they really managed to do thats had any lasting impact is remind people that theres more inequality in wealth in San Paro than there is pretty much anywhere else in the world and with more and more resources coming out of the Nantego that inequality is only going to get worse. You know that Sapphire Blue stuff? It only grows in the basin of the Nantego because its so fucking polluted, its caused whatever that shit was originally to mutate into this wonder drug that basically turbocharges your reactions and then makes you an unstoppable killing machine. Not fucked up enough for you? Well how about that Somatic and Obeya are now fighting over the rights to export that shit to conflict zones throughout the world. As if drone pilots playing on Game-King controllers as they mow down a fucking wedding in some hillside cave town wasnt bad enough, now theyre all going to be tweaking while they do it.
Fuck em though, right? Not like that shitll ever have any meaningful impact on your life, is it? The Faceless had a big plan for taking over the city that needed everyone to fire a flare into the air at the same time. This would, somehow, cause the capitalist pig dogs atop WP Towers to shit themselves and hand over their suitcases full of cash to soup kitchens.
Didnt work, obviously.
If this vans a rockin send help because Im being kidnapped
Got a stub thatll let you buy a Ceresco with spaces for four modifications. Figured that since Im going to start giving you so many vehicle mods that I should probably start outfitting you with some wheels that you can actually, you know, use them in, huh?
Ive always loved the Ceresco. People give it a bad rap because its not the fastest thing on four wheels but you can get a lot in the back of it, you can have four people ride along with it and its just a lot of fun to drive.
Can you do me a solid, btw? Keep an eye on Zombie and tell me if he leaves Breakwater for anything. Psycho keeps muttering something about wanting to come round here and talk to me about something. Hes not the best communicator in the world - shit, he mostly just grunts and growls until someone manages to puzzle out what hes getting at. Guys a neanderthal but, like all good cavemen, you get the feeling that he could beat you to death with the wet end of your own severed arm, so I like to keep him sweet.
Oh hey, no kisses this time. Just imagine me giving you my sexiest pout. Oh baby~
Pro Wrestling Entrance Theme plx
I got another slot for you to keep theme songs in. If you could whip me together a pro wrestling style entrance theme for myself thatd be great. Im thinking if I could probably try and go for tag team championship belts - downside to that is that Id need someone thatd actually be willing to fight/dance with me.
Saw a few of the Roses around town. Out of them and the Tigers, I really dont know who I cant stand more. You know theyre the same people, right? They fucking went to school together and now the Roses think that just because theyre into black leather and latex that theyre somehow kinkier than everyone else. Theyre all Im so goth I shit tombstones and meaningful poetry and unbelievably some people have started to buy into that.
You know I used to play WarAge? None of this WarAge Online shit, but proper pen and paper WarAge. You know your subculture is shitty when the WarAge kids are picking on you in class. You know what Lilith Bloodrose uses as birth control? Her rancid fucking personality :V
Oh wow! You have a harem called the Furies? Anyone want to tell them that the whole emo scene thing ended years ago? Another name for the Furies is the Brides of Dracula.
Seriously. Think about that for a second.
The Brides of Dracula.
They willingly call themselves the Brides of Dracula. They suck lots of somethin and it sure aint blood.
I need a lie down.
All wrapped up in a pretty bow.
Got a present for you. Its another outfit slot because I know how much youve been looking for that. Just something nice and easy to let you flit between those different variations of T-shirts that youve got stashed away.
Zombie finally got caught up with me. Fucker wanted to talk to me about how Im, apparently, not helping on street level. He seems to think that I should be out there on the streets with an NFA-9 in one hand and a briefcase in the other or something. He started giving me no small amount of shit over it because I seem like a capable sort of guy.
Dont get me wrong, I can kill a guy just as happily as the next psychopath but Im not really meant for that. He doesnt seem to understand that Im more about getting people the shit that they need when they need it or maybe a little bit after they needed it if its got comedy value. Fucker doesnt understand that not everyone is a six foot nine, two hundred pound wall of meat.
Can you put a work on the city? Make it seem like Ive actually fuckin done something to get that big freak off my back?
Off you fuck.
Dumb Plan? Best Plan.
You ever had one of those ideas that everyone said was a fuckin terrible one but that you figured would be fantastic when you actually got it up and running? I had one of those a while ago when I figured that itd be a good idea to hook a few dozen pounds of explosives to the underside of my car and then put a remote detonator on it thatd cause the bomb to explode a few seconds after Id pushed the button.
First attempt didnt go so great. Turns out wiring a detonator to the same frequency as your pager is a dumb as fuck idea because youll be walkin out of FTW when all of a sudden your car detonates and youve been sent a page by Grayson Fell asking if you can come round and try and help him pull a wine bottle out of his ass. Protip. If Grayson Fell ever tries to shake your hand, dont let him.
Second attempt went much better. Im a big fan of this tactic now, to be honest. Works great with the radar tower and if you leave the stereo on - dudes will come up to your car, try and work out what the hells going on with it and then when theyre not expecting it, blow that shit up in their faces. For fucksake though, try and make sure you dont have any teammates near the vehicle when you blow it up though.
Theyll be picking fender out from their teeth for weeks.
Many moons of happiness shine upon your tribe.
Disco never dies.
I have a feeling that youre musically gifted. You ever hear those stories about people that just pick up a violin and they can play them and they can make wonderful, sweet music on them? You ever think that there could be people that are people that go through every day of their lives with some great, hidden musical talent but because we dont have ready access to, like harpsichords that they never know about it? Like theres all this artistic ability thats floating around out there at the moment but no one ever knows about it because we just dont have access to this stuff anymore?
Like theres all this potential in the human brain that could just be sitting there in the backs of our weird little ape brains in the hope that one day we sit down with a dulcimer or stand in front of a theremin for long enough for us to try something and then all of a sudden we discover that were basically god when it comes to this one really specific thing. Doesnt that make you just a little sad that you might have some great, vast potential inside you that youd never notice because no one you know owns a fucking zither for you to pick up and play with?
Makes me a little sad. Im writin this email right as Ive finished watching a show about sharks on the TV. God, I fucking love sharks. The blue shark rules. Look at it. Just look at it and its weird goofy face.
Hey so Im gonna go now. I- uh- I have a new supplier and this stuff is fantastic. I may be just a teensy bit high.
You asked for it.
Just wanted to say thanks for doing the good work with the killing and the explosions and shit recently. I know, youve been doing work for me and helping me keep Zombie off my back while Ive been getting high and watching documentaries about sharks but you should know that Im really stressed out over here! Like, today, Im trying to swing together a two more four slot vehicles for you and a pass to get a whole new form of gasoline. And its not just youve gotta do this for, but Ive gotta do this for everyone that actually proves that theyre willing to put up with my shit.
Im not lookin for pity or something, Im just making sure everyone knows that theres more to this organization than just killing people and waxing philosophical about how violated the people of Gresty feel about whatever dumb, perceived slight theyve had today. I guess you could call me and people like me the purest expression of what San Paro is about; not in it for the fight or the politics or the fame. Were just in it because we like to see things burn and people get hurt.
I guess were San Paro and this whole urban warfare gimmick taken to its logical extreme.
I dont know... just drive casual.
Got another vehicle modification for you. You know how when youre drivin along and you show up on everyones radar and then all of a sudden you get lit up like a deer in headlights? Well, part of the reason that CSAs are able to detect you so easily is because of the audio signature of the vehicle that youre using so, we figure, why not just stick a muffler onto the tail pipe and add damping to the other traceable engine sounds.
Turns out it works a treat. Stick this modification into a slot on your vehicle and, so long as youre not juicing your throttle, you wont show up on radar. If youre accelerating, though, youll show up like normal so dont get too relaxed about it.
You know that CSAs blocked the release of hybrid vehicles in San Paro? Those things have entirely different engine sounds and their stupid radar computer majiggers cant track the notes that they produce so good. Its basically impossible to import one of them too so dont expect SP to go green anytime soon& because, you know, Parians are so famous for giving a shit about the environment.
Four Wheel Drive Delight
Got another top tier highly customizable vehicle for you. The Kurai is now available to you in a four slot variant. I love the Kurai. I have one of them all of my own (not the bomb car - Id never blow up Kimmi the Kurai <3 ) and I think everyone should own one. Whats not to love about them? Huge top speed, huge acceleration and its basically impossible to flip in any meaningful, long term sense.
Im not looking to start getting philosophical on you because thats not really my bent but have you noticed how serious everyones starting to get? Maybe theres just something in the air but it feels like things are shifting. Sucks because Im actually happy with how things are at the moment. I dont want things to change. Ive been stockpiling comics and out of print vinyls for ages and Im hoping that this weird, apocalyptic feeling thats floating around is just something I ate. If I find out I should have been stocking canned food and bottled water all this time Im going to be so pissed.
Seriously, theres so much groady shit going on in the world right now. People ask themselves why the fuck is anyone still living in San Paro so often that its started to become a running joke. Thing is, everyones asking the wrong question. Its not why are we still here its really more down to where the fuck else is there we could go?
Australias down to 20 minutes safe exposure before melanoma sets in. The sea of Japan has been fished dry and is choking on plankton so the entire food chain there is exploding. China and Russia are gearing up for a two on one deathmatch with America. Every country in Europe is trying to find a ruler with 10 toes instead of any other number that might indicate that there has, in fact, been generations of inbreeding going on. Africa and the Middle East are moving on from sabre rattling and blowing straight into water wars. India is about to tip over into a boom of consumerism and consumption thats gonna make pre-crash America look like a hippie commune (imagine having the west for a role model on how to be a capitalist society. Then imagine having a billion and one people that all want that lifestyle.)
So yeah. I guess theres still some of Antarctica left. We could move there, start fucking that place up too.
Im honestly impressed youve stuck with me this long. Lot of people would have gotten sick of me by now. Every time you roll by my place Im not actually concerned youre going to come on up to my door and just start punching it down before stepping in and kicking the shit out of me which, to me, is the mark of true friendship. Like, Im not gonna go all mopey and thank you for hooking me up with my soul mate or whatever (I read that email from Birth btw. lol) but its good to know that theres still someone out there that can take a joke.
Got a new car for you.
Ive got dozens of these things just sitting around in a lockup down in the Gazi Freight Warehouse over in Midtown and theyre just taking up space. Its a highly customizable Charge Cisco. Little bastard can be a bit tail happy but its fast and dependable. No surprises from it and people say its slow but it aint. Damn thing is only a little slower than a Bishada and youre payin how many times more for a Bishi? Yeah, if you werent so fuckin loaded Im sure thatd be something that youd take into consideration in the future.
Fuck it, though, I like the car.
Im workin on a little surprise though. I managed to find this old research paper from the Praetorians back in the day (i.e. it fell off the back of a server) that I think, if I can get it to work, will be a hell of a thing that youre gonna want to get your hands on.
A surprise for the ALIG user
Smart machine gunners will try and shoot out your vehicle before you can even get close to them. Tell me how many times youve had to bail out of your ride before it detonated and you spent a month in hospital? You ever lost a point because your squad were coming up on you fast only to have their whip get shot to shit and explode killing them and leaving you without support? Its that kind of shit that is make or break for a mission.
The Praetorians noticed more and more of their vehicles exploding so they decided to develop a method to make it so their cars wouldnt explode. Its a quick re-tune on the engine and then a new High Burn Point Fuel type that takes a much higher temperature to cause it to burn up and thus explode. Say what you want about the Praetorians (please do) but theyre smarter than they look. Even that freak Templetons smarter than he looks.
The torians planned on keeping this shit a secret and handing it out to people that worked their way through that ice queen Cadagans acceptance program. They wanted to keep this as a surprise so that when youre out there, ALIG blazin at a Jericho and it didnt explode, youd freak out and panic so they could get the drop on you. Too bad for them that I managed to swing a sex tape of one of their research and development team with someone that he shouldnt be within fifty feet of because of a court order.
So yeah. Have at it. High Burn Point Fuel. If youre using it, your car, van or truck wont explode when its shot up. Im not sure what a rocket will do to the car but either way its gotta be an improvement. This means that even once your cars engine is well and truly shot the fuck up you can still hide behind it and use it as cover without having to worry about it blowing your ass up.
Its all swings and roundabouts, innit?
Piece of advice for you for the future: Always read the small print.
Wanna know what the most commonly told lie on Earth is? Its not no, honey, sorry I cant come home tonight, Im working late. Its not even No, really, I still love you. Its I have read and understood the terms of the end user license agreement.
What I suppose Im saying here is that& remember that Gazi Freight warehouse thing that I had? The place where I was storing all those Ciscos? Turns out I was signed into a ten year contract with them. I didnt even know you could get a ten year contract for something other than a fucking mortgage or installment plans on Suji Bloodroses hair plugs.
As such, I have a shitload of additional vehicle storage left sitting around that you can feel free to use whenever you want. Go knock yourself out. Youll find a stub for an additional inventory space attached to this message.
Lord Gumballton of Saint Morrowshireston on Thames, xoxox
Say it aint so!
Im really quite impressive, you know that? I dont wanna sound immodest here, but Im hooking you up with top of the line vehicles, shit that we stole from the Praetorian research and development labs that even most of them dont have and Ive given you a weapon that flags enemy locations within like- forever of where youre standing and Im still not done with the vehicles.
Like, Ive managed to finagle your name onto Seiyo Espacio priority buyer list which is way more than that masked freakess Tip Toe ever managed to pull for you. Oh, she managed to get you an Espacio with three modification options? I got you one with four.
Im tellin you, you need to stop working for the Roses and actually go full time with us. I know youre not gonna because theres bound to be some other vampire larping freak along in a weeks time thatll flash a new gun at you and youll be all over them like Strega on lithium pills but, hey, it never hurts to offer.
Feel free to ignore me, btw. Dont worry so much about who youre trying to impress or who youre working for. One of the things that the Gs have lost in the last little while is that feeling of fuck it, who wants to go hang out at the arcade? Double B is pretty much the only person that hangs out down there on a regular basis anymore and, well, shes not really much of a conversationalist. Ive tried to get her to talk but everything she says just makes me feel sad, you know? Like, actually sad. Shes a tragic suicide waiting to happen, that one.
If you see her around town, just check in to make sure shes safe, yeah?
Gumball 1 - San Paro 0
Youre not the only person that these mails go to. I rewrite them regularly enough so not everyone gets the same stuff at the same time but for the most part people get the same shit from me but youre a lil bit special. I saw how much you liked the Espacio that I got you on the list for last time you checked in with me so I figured, hey, might as well give you another car, huh?
So there ya go. Ive done what no one else in San Paro has managed to do and hook you up with a direct line to the top Bishada dealer in SP. Four slot Bishada, available to you, here, from me, for the first time. Anyone that says I dont love you is a fuckin liar and a fink and you should dickpunch them ASAP. If they dont have one then, well, find someone nearby that does and dickpunch them instead. Im not picky, just so long as you end up punching someone in the dick by the end of the week.
Speaking of getting punched in the dick, I was talking to Double B the other day about getting her out of that shitty apartment shes in. You know shes still living in the apartment her and her brother used to share? That really cant be healthy. She didnt take too kindly to the idea and felt that there would be abandonment issues and that it would feel like a betrayal of his memory.
At least, thats what I think she meant. I cant really remember. I kind of blacked out for a while. Shes so cute when shes mad <3
Love and peace,
All good tings, etc.
Well, Ive pretty much run out of shit to give you by this point. Like, I was never giving you shit exactly, but you get what I mean. I spoke with Chiro about getting you hooked up with something cool to wear and he figured that itd be neat to give you an outfit based on what Im wearing. We spoke for a while more, decided that was kind of dumb, and then decided to go for something a little more interestin than a rank, bong water smellin hoodie so I present to you the ###PRANKSTERS GETUP###.
Since I like you so much and since youve had such a great run with vehicles from me, I figured whats one more between friends? Im gonna throw in a vehicle too and you can find a stub to pick it up attached to this mail. Check the symbol that came with it too - I had Birth take a minute out of his busy schedule of self loathing and fucking a supermodel to give it the once over. He told me it was shit, I was shit, everything was shit before passing out in a pile of money so, hey, I think he liked it.
We didnt really bond, did we? Like, I gave you stuff, you took that stuff and used it to do some stuff and get more stuff. Conspicuous consumption is what got this city into this mess to begin with, really. People wanting more of what they already have. Im gonna be honest about this and tell you that Ive got no hidden meaning in any of these emails. Theres not going to be some big reveal that sends you on a merry chase around the world to unravel the mystery that Ive woven through these letters to you all. Like I said, Im just in it for the explosions and the good times. Theres nothing political here anymore for me. As soon as San Paro gets boring, Ill fuck off to Brazil or something. Sao Paulo looks nice this time of year. I hear that its a pretty fucking significant step up from most of San Paro too.
Odds are this will probably be the last one that Ill write to you and, well, its kind of been a pleasure. If youre still reading this then thank you because, like I said, Im kind of a shallow guy and value myself based on my number of SPiN Shout followers.
Lots of love, hugs and kisses, love and peace and go fuck yourself.
Gumball, aka Dick Smalls.
Item Category Cost Rating Epinephrine Injector Consumable Items $0 0 Med Spray Consumable Items $0 0 Boom Box Consumable Items $0 0 Resupply Box (Large) Consumable Items $0 0 Mobile Cover Consumable Items $0 0 Satchel Charge Consumable Items $0 0
Level Name 20 Burn that Motha Down (25 Joker Tickets)
Classic disco is the best disco. Time for a little inferno, you dig? Kill an Enforcer with a blowtorch. Burn that motha downnnnnnn-
Kill <col: Yellow>1</col> Enforcer with a Blowtorch.
20 Right Tool, Right Job. (25 Joker Tickets)
Sometimes youve just gotta do what makes sense at that time. Use that blowtorch I gave you and Repair 2000 damage to vehicles. Right tool, right job.
Repair <col: Yellow>2000</col> damage.
20 Wrong Tool, Right Job (0 Joker Tickets)
You ever wanted to make someone scream bullshit! at the top of their lungs? Use a Flare Gun to kill 3 Enforcers, and listen close because every time you do it, youll be able to hear the siren song of the rage-quit.
Kill <col: Yellow>3</col> Enforcers with a Flare Gun.